. except for Susan.Susan!Susan is... ?... ?Interesting.For the life of me I don't know what's interesting about a middle-class white woman in suburban America.It's not guilt. I just worked that out. I think it's shame; and that burns so much hotter than guilt. If it was just the incident at the kindergarten barbecue, then maybe it would be guilt. Maybe I could deal with that more easily. Heck, maybe I would have forgotten about it by now. Forgotten about her by now.It was the dream; that's what feels shameful ... even though it shouldn't. Nothing that feels that good should feel shameful. If only 'good' was all it felt; but it felt right, too.Shit, I've been at this for over an hour now and I've gotten exactly nowhere. Are you still reading, Nick? Are you bored yet? Confused? Disgusted? How could you be; I haven't actually said anything; not anything of substance. Is there even anything substantive to tell? There must be; I can still feel it inside me. I started this wretched journal. “What do you want to happen now?”“I’m happy just like this, inside you, next to you. It’s wonderful to feel you.”“Then let’s stay together. Let’s get into bed and we can stay together until one of us has had enough, whether that’s you or one of the others.”“Or you,” I pointed out.“I promise you, I won’t be the first to want to leave.”Again her words were wonderfully reassuring. I carefully pulled out and removed the condom. Kat pulled back the covers of the bed and we both got in and Kat came to me and rested her head on my chest and I put my arm around her, with my hand gently stroking the side of her breast.We lay in each other's arms and after a while I felt Kat’s breathing change and I realised she was sleeping. I felt a deep warmth that she felt secure in my arms and was happy to sleep with me. My senses still felt overwhelmed. I thought I should be trying to work out what this all meant, but I wanted to savour the moment, and think back over what Kat and I had done.
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